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   Chapter 1 I will wait for him

The gentleman's trap By MiraHarlson Characters: 5273

Updated: 2019-06-04 09:36

"I'll give you everything that you wish for and more. Those you do not wish for, those you do not think you could ever have, I'll give you. I'll give you the whole world and all in it. I'll give you peace and joy if only you have faith and believe in me." I hear a voice assure me.

The voice is in my mind, I could not see it, I didn't know who it belonged to. But I assumed it was God speaking to me. It felt like he was speaking to me Or maybe it was my subconscious trying to make me feel less worried about the feeling of impending doom clouding my chest.

If it was God and not just my mind as my priest would tell me during confession. Then where is he, why does he remain invisible, why doesn't he show himself so I could see him and acknowledge him. So I could be sure that he was the one speaking and not me loosing my mind.

Why doesn't he show himself to me so I could see him and be in his presence, hug him and cry on his feet till I can cry no more. Till I expunge this pain in my heart, the deafening sorrow and grief that I felt.

Everything hurts, my life, my body hurts, it has been hurting for a long time after my marriage to Cletus. He hurts me, beats me, abuses me, humiliates me. Still I continue to stay with him, I refuse to leave him for the sake of my love for him and the sake of my faith in God.

But how much more can my heart take before it explodes. Pain upon pain upon pain until my heart explodes from too much pain. Watching my daughter cry in sadness is what kills me the most.

Watching my daughter afraid is what breaks me the most. I love my husband but how much more can I take before all that remains is hate? How much time would it be.

I'm suppose to protect my daughter but how can I do that when I can't even protect myself. What kind of a mother am I? A mother who watches her only child suffer and get maltreated and still do nothing about it, a failure of a mother.

It is days like today when I seat on my sofa with my hands in my eyes and tears in my eyes that I ask myself if my faith in God was truly faith or weakness or maybe even stupidity.

I kept asking myself but I got no answer or maybe I did not want to blaspheme so I kept the answers locked up in my mind and my lips dared not utter them.

When In doubt and fear, I hear this invisible person telling me it will be fine. Sometimes I am sure that it is my mind providing me with necessary comfort and it is all just deceit, just a way I've created to keep hope alive and to shut the pain out.

Then after reading the scriptures I start to think that maybe it is God speaking to me, and then again I st

art to doubt he would after all my sins. God must really have grown tired of forgiven me.

He must really be tired of hearing me say sorry without me showing true repentance. But I was in doubt now of everything, I didn't know what was and what was not. I didn't know anything for certain. My feelings now wavered like the way Cletus treats me, inconsistently. Today he is the Angel, tomorrow he is the demon and the next day, the next day he is nothing at all.

I hear voices in my head telling me to remain calm, to have faith that Everything will be fine. But how long can I hold on before I loose my mind? Because these voices, these voices are definitely a sign that I was losing my mind to him. To Cletus

I packed my long brown braids up and wore a net. Everything I did I did mechanically without feeling. Time passed and I remained still, waiting, hoping, praying.

I have been sitting on the sofa for more than two hours waiting for Cletus to be back from work. The bad thing was that I wasn't even feeling sleepy. My eyes did not feel heavy although my limbs were weak. I was afraid to close my eyes, the moment my eyelids close they open with the same veracity.

Fear was eating me up and I was letting it, even enjoying it.

Looking at the wall, the time was a minute past 12 in the morning. I became worried for my husband but angry and furious. How dare him come home by this time! He will have it when he comes. This house will be on fire should he step in. I wouldn't let him go off easily today! Enough is Enough!

I soliloquize angrily.

But then amidst my anger was fear, fear that he would end up hurting me should I dare to speak up to him or trouble him. Then there was doubt, if I would be able to speak up to him when he comes. Anxiety, that he won't even come at all. Hope, that nothing bad has actually happened to him.

I was feeling emotions upon emotions and my heart was sinking so deep. Amidst it all I was at least grateful that my daughter Ezinne was fast asleep. At least there was one thing I was thankful for, my daughter.

"I Dont know why he will come home this late, a married man with a kid is still not here by 12. Lord!." I mumbled to myself. My emotions were starting to get the better of me. I wanted to cry but tears won't even humor me. Instead I wrapped my hands around my body shivering from the cold.

The parlour was always so cold at night because of how spacious it was. I knew the room would be much more cozy but I refused to go back into the room. "He will meet me here, he will surely meet me here!" I hissed angrily but inside me, I was shaking in fear.

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