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   Chapter 22 A Beggar

Towards the Inner By Jerronime Characters: 32775

Updated: 2018-04-01 19:02


(A Conclusion That Did Not Occur)

This conclusion is a scenario, which started brewing a couple times and almost would have happened, if Naomi did not enter the transformation process, did not complete and stop all the cycles. The cycles that repeat around you in life, and when based on what happened in the past you already know to predict, what will be the development in the future. Because we do it, almost all of us. We have an ego, we have to defend, to protect its honour. Our defects of character and habits we thus do not admit, let alone eliminate them. So we repeat the same reactions, the same habits and the future becomes the past, or else, the past becomes the future.

Naomi would not bear indignity from the break-up. She had done nothing wrong; on the contrary, she had taken care of her most beloved Patrick and his children, had done what was needed, what she had seen in their eyes. No, such a breakup, ignominious, cold and impersonal she did not deserve.

The first month, various arguments fight in her head – self-blame alternating with blaming. One day she seeks and finds faults only about herself, feels sorry for Patrick, next day she hates him and wants revenge. She wants to shout it out to the whole world how he used her, abused her, made her a mistress, a maid, a housekeeper…, a financial expert, advisor, sparring partner… How she was at hand in everything. Then he kicked her out. No reason. No fatal mistake. Neither a crash. Nothing.

Naomi would come to a simple outcome – hatred. He's found someone else. She scared him because she has become more dominant and stronger and so she had to be eliminated. His vanity, his ego, his complexes overshadowed what is most precious in life – love. He formed it into materialism and love for his children and did not realise that there is more space in our heart – for various forms of love. Love for children, for parents, for relatives, for nature, or for beloved other half. Each of them is different, there is space in the heart for every each of them, but they cannot replace each other. One cannot replace the other, but they substitute, operate and affect side by side, each with some intensity. Under normal circumstances, of course. Someone can have it vice versa – thanks to various experienced situations, family, childhood, former relationships – their heart closes for children or is filled with only one or two kinds of love and affection. In Patrick's heart, there are only his children and his material wealth. These were the fundamental values for him, and with these, he was probably satisfied the most. He obviously felt the elementary love for Naomi, but it became strong, started to expand like an octopus over his heart, and that was unbearable. A stone remains a stone. The two highest values cannot be compromised.

So these factual findings would be conclusive. Naomi would want revenge. Anyhow. After the first month of texting, proving and blaming, she would escape into continuing further – into the Plan B. Starting from self-pity and deflecting blame. Basically, it would be necessary to assure the whole world that the rights and truth are on her side and that Patrick hurt her very much.

It is a so-called typical feature of most split-up couples. They begin to meet with their mutual acquaintances, organise celebrations, parties, dinners, events, where they can glitter before their acquaintances or friends. Better yet, get his friends on your side. Naomi would present herself as a fragile, lovely, friendly martyr to whom someone – that mutual friend – hurt this much. All parties would be in the spirit of "nothing's going on" while in fact, a lot would be going on. She would be hungry for any word about him, thirsty for any mention of his name, his children's name, anything connected to him. Most certainly, all the conversations would shift from various lines on the central-line named Patrick.

No one would even know how and would be involved in the active debate: What he is. What all he did in the past. How fantastic Naomi is. How he hurt her and how he does not deserve her. How they are going to look for a new, better guy for her, who will be more for her or God forbid, how will this Patrick's "best friend" talk to him tomorrow on this subject.

Patrick reproached her and in his texts made clear that the main reason for their break-up was her reportedly constantly flirting and having fun. Especially after a few drinks, she did not hold back having spontaneous fun. Naomi defended this in every way, for she did enjoy the entertainment but the situations, which he reproached could be counted on one hand. During the relationship with Patrick, the risk factors in the form of parties and alcohol were completely eliminated. As far as her inner was concerned, that was only one man in there, named Patrick, so why would she want to flirt? Unless for the single need, to provoke him a little, besides, it only happened four or five times during those 590 days together – so why does he claim that it goes on all the time? Plus, she knew that many situations were contrived by his precious friends and their wives – for they were jealous, green with envy about them. This couple was simply too perfect for everyone.

Guys always gazed at Naomi, she was always the centre of attention, because of that women were jealous, and guys were throwing looks… Although while being with Patrick, she did not care about it, not a teeny tiny little bit, not at all, the opposite, of course, became a "rumour" and changed an innocent discussion with some of Patrick's friends, which, from the perspective of Naomi ran on purely a social basis, into a shameless flirt. A chummy discussion, in which she wanted to "show off" in Patrick's eyes, to demonstrate that she is funny, sociable, intelligent, knows to orientate in any society and take a stand and converse on any topic became a loathsome tasteless flirtatious. These manoeuvres, as Patrick called them, have become unwanted flirting – he perceived and saw it that way. And the people – allegedly evaluated it the same way…

Just imagine a charismatic, smart woman with girl's face, but strong sex appeal, who, in honour of her beloved, actively enjoys social conversation – with some man. What is going on inside of such man and his genital parts, only he knows; Naomi does not. Right next to him or nearby, his wife stands – a well-maintained fifty-year-old, whose face has not been "joyful" for a long time, with saggy botox-spiked lips, with jealousy and anxiety in her eyes, not a sign of a sense of humour, little chubby, designer clothes, all perfectly matched. But that's it. A statue of wilted beauty, inside overflowed with bile acids from anger and jealousy, who does not know to join the conversation, because the topic of quantum physics is a big unknown to her, and transferring to the fall of the Roman Empire and to the ancient Greek myths is also beyond her interests. But Naomi cruises criss-cross from topic to topic without hesitation, adding a tangy sarcastic comments everywhere, so conversation develops into the sophisticated, creative and humorous way. How chic she is, what a charisma! thinks the woman – Patrick's friend's wife. What a KNOCKOUT! I'd fuck her right away, thinks the husband.

Naomi would never be aware of such a reaction, her only object of interest is standing somewhere behind her, and she is just being herself. A distinctive exterior and a charming, smart interior is a dangerous combination.

But the next day, or a week later, this married couple meets Patrick. They would like to invite Patrick and Naomi to dinner, a celebration of the name day of one of them, but – unfortunately – this is not possible because his girlfriend Naomi flirts too much. It was obviously raised up by the jealous wife, and the chummy husband agreed in order to conceal his jealousy towards Patrick. They both then hand over this "joyful" news to Patrick, and it was done and dusted. An envious friend and his jealous wife: How come Patrick hooked up with such a knockout? Where did he find her? How did he get her? – those are their real thoughts. However, the interpretation is completely different. And so, into Patrick's blocked head and insecure mind, another negative vibration is implemented. Patrick is jealous of Naomi and at the same time condemns her, does not perceive the reality, does not come to support her, and lets her roil in the swamp of envy and intrigue… obviously, he knows why. She is strong, admired, funny, is on top of things… more than him. Nobody else can love her, but me. And even I can't love her too much, 'cause I don't know to share the love for children, and for wealth… In my heart, I have no place for a woman… not yet… not entirely…

This cycle continued like this until the very end. And these reasons were basically the cause of their break-up. Nothing else. No fatal mistake, no fatal failure. Just jealousy, blocks, complexes, intrigues. At least this is how Naomi initially evaluated it.

In this scenario, Naomi would not understand the truth about getting rid of guilt, about responsibility for her life and?letting?bygones be bygones. She would not read Osho's books, and so she would not find the understanding in them, that:

Everyone is responsible, totally responsible for their existence and behaviour. In the beginning, you will be depressed from that because you always thought that you want to be happy – how then can you be responsible for your sadness? Your whole life you long for bliss – how then can you be angry with yourself? Therefore you throw responsibility onto others.

Remember that if you throw the responsibility onto others, you will always remain a slave, because no one can change anyone else. How can you change some

py! Strong! Has no problem at all!

Busy nightlife, hatred for herself, flirting with men, while the reluctance to be with someone – this all would be killing her slowly. Her entire immune system would rebel, but she would go on. She is strong, is she not? She would lose her concentration, would not know how to focus. During one single day, she would hear a million voices, lies, opinions, which she could no longer even properly evaluate. She would be exactly where she never wanted to be. Abandoned, lost, unconscious about her qualities. The more she would do what she knew was superficial, disgusting and of no value, the worse she would feel.

She would cancel the exam. She could not learn, could not create anything. There would be no title. And what for? Never mind, that she would have three years of studying behind her.

She would not progress in the dance talent competition. She could not handle the training, could find neither the strength, nor time, and her self-discipline would fall into a negative state.

Rebecca would get the director general position, which she sought out the whole time behind Naomi's back, "as a real friend" – and Naomi helped her to it, making mistake after mistake. She unwittingly helped Rebecca to leave for the private sector, her dream position!

The fusion would come at the edge of the crash (in the sense of separation from her), due to certain machinations which Naomi, in the heat of her revenge towards Patrick, would not notice for she would be infested with malice, revenge and exuding such strong negativity that she could not expect anything else.

Circling in her sadness, with the instinct of self-pity, trauma and pain, harm caused by someone – her beloved – would wrap her like an aluminium foil, letting in neither any light nor warmth. Such feelings would keep her in the state of constant pressure and stress, which would lead to an inner rotting process, odour, and cancer.

A regular examination at the gynaecologist would have a catastrophic impact. Screening of the cervix – suspicion. Control check in a month, and if the values do not change, surgery is inevitable. Reappeared chronic diseases of her teenage age (inflammation of the urinary tract), she would suppress by drugs, which would cause widespread mycosis, or God forbid, chlamydia and so there would be no end to it. The constant lower back pain in combination with no creative and positive energy left in her would keep her beloved dancing. She would lose five kilos, which women are usually happy about, but combined with her height of 173 cm and weight of 55 kg was not a big win – in her case, it would be a supremely unhealthy process. Certainly, you would know – sunken cheeks, sagging skin, thinning hair, sore and deranged look.

Naomi has always followed strict rules of a healthy lifestyle – healthy food, healthy diet, no artificial food, balanced and "real" food. She could not even drink liquids such as Sprite, Coke, artificial sweeteners, could not consume any form of sweets. Everything in moderation, always. And particularly, since childhood, she hated doctors, had resistance to drugs – any chemical pill provoked resistance in her and created knots in her stomach ready to throw up its contents. Years ago, she started to take care of her health, work actively on prevention care of her condition. She refused diseases and doctors. The only examination was the obligatory annual gynaecological one, with an "all-well" result every time. With Patrick, they also understood each other in this area. Both had the same attitude towards health, a balanced diet, sports, a healthy lifestyle. Therefore they both always looked ten years younger, and therefore any viruses and diseases circumvented them. Moreover, Naomi only sought out the principles of preventive treatment via alternative medicine. Regular diagnostics, anti-parasitics, pathogen removal, detox, colloidal minerals and vitamins – all this contributed to an excellent health condition, super figure, shining face.

But in such frame of mind?

It would be history. Naomi would be on the same path as some ten years ago when she just started to understand her body, her common sense and intuition.

So would cling to this relationship so much, that all her criteria, principles, everyday habits and rules would be shut down and hidden in the bushes next to the path, on which she would just drag clumsily…

The case, which haunted her, would become disastrous. Naomi would keep sending furious and threatening letters to all sides, including prosecutors, that everyone would refuse to have anything to do with her. They would no longer care whether she was ambushed or not, they would be so tired of her that they would hand over the case to the court, without further investigation. Mike would recommend that she should leave everything and go somewhere, anywhere, to find some rest, different thoughts, while his lawyers would take care of the case. He could see that she has started a destructive process.

Yes. Naomi would have no more strength. She would have a feeling that everything in her life was a failure, the whole world had turned away from her, and nothing makes sense anymore.

She would not be able to exist here.

Naomi, therefore, would decide to listen to Mike and to escape. To leave. The company was put into liquidation. She would say goodbye to the employees who would flee like mice from a tomcat. She would sell everything and invest the money in renting a small villa in the Caribbean, calculated she had savings for a few years on a small island, which is visited by "snobbish" society, and where there are so many yachts and sailboats… She would hope to find some calmness, and being in a different environment she would forget… Hopefully, by the time she will have exhausted all her savings, she would meet someone. For she is nice, charming… Hopefully, she would get rid of most of her health problems…

And so she would leave. She would sell everything and pay off her debts.

She could not live without Patrick. She would become a beggar – begging for his love, wanting it too much. She did not act "consciously". She burnt all the bridges, did not say a proper goodbye to anyone, not even to her friends, not even to her closest family.

Bitter, sore, with self-pity and hatred towards the whole world, not even a pinch of creativity left in her, she would not want to live any longer.

But it may change. Somewhere else… she will run the cycle of conditioning again.

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