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   Chapter 25 November th.

The Devil's Diary By Paul Kater Characters: 16869

Updated: 2018-02-11 12:04


Dear diary.

Today I had to do it again. The tour of new heavenstormers, to give them an idea what hell is like. This time wasn't half the fun the last one was. These guys today almost soiled their robes when I offered them a visit to the shit pit. We did go in there, though. I made them do it. You have no right to say shit unless you've been in it, that's my motto.

Good thing was that there was no dimwit this time that wanted to take the plunge down the chute in the soul devouring machine. I don't want anyone near that thing that has no clue about it, unless it is a soul that has to take the dive. The system is running fine now and we all want to keep it like that.

For a change I took this group down to the Mayan hell. It's a cute little setup there. Not many original Mayans are there, as they have specific rules about entering this place, their hell is only for the really bad ones. The people who were on duty this day were vary amiable. They demonstrated how they patched up a "processed" soul first.

The souls of bad Mayans that get here get the same treatment over and over again, so the patching up is part of the program. Now the patching up is a thing that is done really nicely. They sew them up again with very good surgical stuff, so there are hardly any scratches or bruises visible. The only thing missing to make it really good would be the anaesthetic.

New arrivals are queued up together with the fixer-upper souls and then they make them walk up their temple. Heck, I should show that to Nafaru, it looks a bit like her pyramids. She'd love it. The walk up the temple is not a nice one, the path is covered with thorns.Did I mention walking barefoot there? If not, I just did. And the sun is beating down on the souls too. I have to hand it to Yamamoto, it is really good how he managed to make the sun that hot only on that strip, while a few feet away from it it's just peachy!

Sullen as the lot of new heavenstormers was, we did get a couple of them dumb enough to go up the path. Hey, it's not like they are going to die from it, right? I had to hold my laughing until after they had left, but it was a sight for sore eyes. Really, it even made MY feet hurt, just from looking at them. Of course they did not have to undergo the next step of the Mayan hell. The men at the top were informed upfront that they only should grab the nekkid guys, not the ones in robes. At the top of the path up the temple I collected the new heaven brigade and allowed them a clear view of the final proceedings. The official Angry Mayan Priests grabbed the next nekkid soul, kicked him in the knees so he'd be easily accessible. Then they took a knife, slit open his belly, handed him his intestines and kicked him down the temple. See where the sewing up comes in?

The faces of the heaven-workers had all kinds of colours, ranging from yellow to interesting shades of green. When I asked them if they wanted to hang around for the part where the priests would cut off a head and play soccer with it, the general feeling was one of disgust. Good grief, I hate it when they send me a bunch of wimps like that! Alas, no soccer. Not even after I told them that the head would be sewn on nicely also.

I then gave them the choice to go see either the Chinese Hell of Di Yu, or the Zoroastrian one. I know, a mean question. Most folks know Chinese only from the food and that goes down well. So they opted for Di Yu.

We walked over there, passing the Pygmy area. Some of the guys in the group almost had to go back and pick up their eyes. The Pygmy here prefer to go naked. No problem, it is warm enough here. The good Christian souls were clearly not used to something like that. Staggering really, when you come to think of it, because their main man had designed his first people in that fashion too. Believe me, he put them there naked. No Woolworth's or Sears anywhere. Those places only were invented after someone had gotten the silly idea that clothes were the way to go.

With some of the good guys their arousal was quite obvious. And that made me grin. There is still some life in them after all. Very good. There is still hope for them. We somehow made it past there and to Di Yu without too much delay. At first the guys were making jokes about the appearance of the big black walls and the narrow passageways. But that ended rapidly when we went inside. The corridors are really narrow. The walls are really high. And the smell is real too. The amount of chatting and laughter diminished very quickly and was replaced by the occasional nervous murmuring and gasps. Good. They should know that the Chinese are not only good in making food. They are masters in mazes and torture also.

I showed them a few of the less gross torture chambers. Here and there we had the pleasure of a torture master joining us, who could explain all his work in detail. One actually offered to bring in a soul to give them a first hand view of what he would do to pester the bad people here. I know what they do. It is bad. Comp

re many things we can change and tweak afterwards, but we try to avoid that. Before you know it, you are upsetting the present population with all kinds of changes and that is bad PR. Suddenly there was a rumbling shuffling sound in the cave. (Damn, Yamamoto's sound gurus had the acoustics done fantastically!)

Then two Glurphs stepped out.

"Devil. Greetings."

"Greetings, dear friends. Welcome to your new afterlife." I did not use many words. It is always best to let them have a look for themselves and only respond when they ask something.

The purple granite people silently looked round for a long time. A very long time. Very silently. Then one of them turned to me. "Devil."

"Yes?" Always good to react adequately.

"This is good."

The statement was brief but said it all.

"I am glad it is to your liking. Allow me to show you around." I said and went ahead. The two granite mountains followed me, occasionally stopping to examine something.

"Devil."

"Yes?"

"The sun. Where did you get it?"

"We have our sources, sir. Is there something wrong with it?"

"No, Devil. It is very very good. Almost too good."

I then displayed them my wisdom by telling them what Yamamoto had told me about changing the temperature and the colour, and I hoped I got it all right.

"This, Devil, is amazing. You can cater to our every need. We shall send you a list of special days for the Glor-y-hus on which the sun can be brighter."

"Wonderful. I will see to it that it happens then." And a good thing also to know what this people call themselves. I'll have to work on avoiding the word Glurph though.

"Can you give me an idea how much brighter the sun should be?"

"About ten percent would be enough, " the spokes-Glor-y-hus said. "And that for the first hours of the day."

Somewhere far away a mechanism of sorts started working and the sun started dimming. It did not move (according to specifications), it just became less bright. The Glor-y-hus conveyed their appreciation for this also. Clearly they had not expected their afterlife to be this good.

A volcano started to rumble and smoke billowed out, its fire reflecting against the smoke and very visible in the progressing darkness. Now I can't say this for sure, but I am convinced the Glor-y-hus were about to cry when they saw this majestic outburst of energy and power.

"Devil. We thank you for all this wonderful work you have done to prepare this area for our dead. We shall bring the first few over tomorrow. It is a good thing that we have designed the death ritual so it will consume several days. One of us will accompany the first group. We would very much appreciate it if you and some of your people would be here to welcome the group."

I was certain that could be arranged. We agreed on a time, after which the Glor-y-hus disappeared through the tunnel in the cave and then I went home. It had gotten very dark by then. Now I'll hit the bed, so I am up early enough tomorrow to greet the newcomers. I already contacted Baal and Beelzebub, they promised they'd be there. And I sent a message to Nafaru, just in case. It would be neat if she could make it over there in time also. Hmm. I should also ask the Glor-y-hus that comes back if they consider themselves gods or something. Would be a good thing to have their status in proper perspective.

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