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   Chapter 17 No.17

There Will Be Walrus First Volume V By CamestrosFelapton Characters: 5338

Updated: 2017-12-27 12:02


[Captain Jim Ford] Oohhhh. You see, when you said 'don't let that evil corporation hold any more secrets from humanity' I assumed you meant Disney…

[Voice over intercom] Captain, this is Jeb. Humphrey Bogart has just appeared on our holodeck.

[First Officer Nora Nuggets] [Puzzled] I didn't even know we had a holodeck.

[Captain Jim Ford] Which one is Jeb again?

[First Officer Nora Nuggets] Our psychotic engineer from Earth.

[Captain Jim Ford] I just find their names too similar. It's confusing. Can't I call them something else, like Grumpy and Sulky?

[First Officer Nora Nuggets] I think that would be somewhat demeaning for both of them. A captain really needs to show their crew more respect than that, Jim.

[Captain Jim Ford] Wise advice, Nora. I don't know how I'd manage without you. Frankly given your level head, your experience, your technical skill and the extent to which your spacer body is actually adapted to living in low gravity you might even be as good a captain as I am!

[First Officer Nora Nuggets] Somehow, I don't think I could quite manage to captain the ship in quite the way you do Jim.

[Captain Jim Ford] Nonsense! The trick is simply to do the first thing that comes into your head. Never fails. Speaking of which, I better check on that holodeck malarkey.

[Cut to sequence of Jim Ford making his way through the ship until he reaches the holodeck]

[Muller] Greetings Jim Ford.

[Captain Jim Ford] Oh, gosh. Mr Bogart it is a honour to meet you. I'm a big fan.

[Muller] I'm not Humphrey Bogart, you idiot. I'm a projected image of y

h*&Tstain m*&*th**ing **ckwi&^$ **&*%$er. I have been granted this unique honour to accomplish two tasks. The first was to assemble this mighty armada comprising ships from every space navy there is, plus every fleet of space pirates, asteroid rebels and corporate security I could get my hands on.

[First Officer Nora Nuggets] What she is saying checks out, Jim. We are surrounded in all six directions by highly armed vessels. They all have weapons charged and locked on us.

[Captain Jim Ford] eep!

[Supreme President of the Solar System] My second task was to lead this armada, hunt you down and then blow you and your ship to smithereens, then take those smithereens and dump them in a gas giant and then take that gas giant and throw it into a white dwarf star and then take THAT star and throw it into a blackhole, so that there is an absolute guarantee to all of humanity that every last molecule of your %$%^&ing existence need never, ever bother anybody again.

[Captain Jim Ford] Seems a bit harsh. I mean, that movie has been out for decades.

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