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   Chapter 12 No.12

McEdifice Returns By CamestrosFelapton Characters: 6107

Updated: 2017-12-27 12:02


Goosebumpy Halloween Special

Welcome boils and ghouls to this, your McEdifice Returns Halloween Special. I am your host Tyranny The Torturing Cat-O-Nine-Tails and this is my hideous assistance Straw 'Wicker man' Puppy.

We submit for your consideration the strange case of one Chiseled McEdifice. A lowly photocopy repairman or so he says. But what is this? His attempts to prevent paper supplies going missing has brought him to the SPOOKIEST part of any office building!

And there, amid the dust, and the spiders, and the rat-droppings and the incessant drip-drip-drip of leaking pipes, he discovered that all along, the paper was being stolen by…

A HUMANOID ALIEN INFLUENCED PHOTOCOPY MACHINE MAN TRYING TO COPY HIS OWN BUTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hmmm, you think that's NOT scary? Well how about this:

HE ALSO JUST FOUND OUT THE PLANET HE IS ON HAS BEEN INVADED AND THE INVADERS ARE SEARCHING EVERY BUILDING ON THE PLANET!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, still not frightened? Still acting like you've seen and heard everything before? Well I guess we forgot to mention that:

THE INVADERS ARE SPACE VAMPIRES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh, still not scared? The eldritch violation of geometric forms created by the self-referential madness of a photocopier's own bum copies not sufficiently madness inducing for you? The approaching footfall of alien forces heading towards the dark basement where are heroes are trapped not sufficiently adrenaline inducing for you? The utter horror of the very existence of SPACE VAMPIRES is not sufficiently nightmarish for you, the cynical see-it-all post-modern hoity-toity consumer of modern media? Well let me also tell you one more thing:

THERE IS A SQUIRREL JUST OUTSIDE YOUR WINDOW AND IT IS STARING AT YOU WITH ITS SQUIRRELLY EYES WAITING WAITING WAITING FOR YOU TO LET YOUR G

difice, "That way the action continues AND we all get important back story on the way."

"Follow the guide on the screen to clear the jam in the receiving area!"

"Don't worry ScanScan, we won't get stuck!" says McEdifice reassuringly.

Anyway, they all make it into secret floor 6. I mean it is really floor 5 because the floor at street level is GROUND and then next floor is ONE but the second set of builders did the thing where the ground floor is one. Personally I think having that first floor as ground makes more sense because it is like floor zero but that's just me. Just because it is the FIRST floor doesn't mean it has to be floor 1. 'First' is an ordinal number and 1 is a cardinal number so…OUCH!! Susan? Did you just hit me on the back of a head with a newspaper? What do you mean 'It's not scary' – frankly the persistent confusion in popular understanding between ordinal and cardinal numbers is something I find quite alarming. Somebody said to me yesterday that it was their 30th birthday which clearly means that they are 29 because on their first birthday they would have been zero year old having just been born and OUCH! You did it again! OK, if you are SOOOO spooky YOU tell the story.

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