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   Chapter 3 No.3

McEdifice Returns By CamestrosFelapton Characters: 5619

Updated: 2017-12-27 12:02

Planet Campus of Tau Bootes X had already staked out a very stable niche as the planet of early 21st Century offices. In an attempt to preserve cultures of historical note and ways of life that might become extinct due to social and technological change, Planet Campus had been populated with low-rise office buildings and locked into 21st-century technology. Dealing with paperwork, and project management methodologies the planet had descended into urban warfare due to a quasi-religious conflict between traditionalist adherents to the church of Prince2 and ninja-heretics committed to Agile Methodology.

Only after the civil war had consumed much of the planet was it revealed that the conflict had been orchestrated by histriosocioempiricists committed to Seldonism, who wished to see if 21st-century social media was the root cause of the factionalism witnessed on Earth at the equivalent time. After careful consideration of the evidence, they had absolved social-media as a root cause and had concluded in a lengthy report that the primary cause was that "people are just dicks."

The Space Galactical Space Army landed in force as peace-keepers to end the conflict and to ensure that Planet Campus could return to its vital economic work of moving gradually towards the paperless-office by printing huge reports on the topic. After thirty years of a second civil war between the Space Galactical Space Army and the insurgents, a peace of sorts was brokered. The planet was divided into alternate bands – business zone/boot camp/business zone/boot camp etc. Thus successfully separating warring project management ideologies with military zones mainly filled with new recruits. The success of a planet with two signature things would be an inspiration for planets everywhere. – Extract from "What's the Thing about Planet Campus of Tau Bootes X" Omnipancyclopedia Cosmosicos 3576

McEdifice stepped out of the post-orbital drop craft and looked around him. In the hazy distance he could just make out what looked like the central business district of a small town but surrounding him was green countryside, obstacle courses, barracks and a habit designed for cruel, demanding, sadistic and shouty drill-sergeants.

"Welcome to Bootcamp 17 of Planet Campus the Bootcamp Planet of Tau Bootes X." said a particularly loud drill sergeant.

"Nooooooo!!!!!" cried McEdifice.

Chapter n+1

McEdifice Returns by Timothy the Tremendous Talking Cat and The Artist Formerly Known as Straw Puppy. Assume n is a chapter, then n+1 would be the next chapter and therefore as "next chapter" is by definition a chapter, chapter n+1 is also a chapter. Therefore for all n ∈ ?, chapter n is a chapter. As the cardinality of ? is ?0 therefore the total number of chapters is also ?0.

Planet Campus – the

Boot Camp and Corporate Office Planet of Tau Bootes X. [We've done that bit.]

[Ok, skipping ahead]

It was week 4 of intensive training for the new recruits of the Intergalactic Space Army. Trainee unit Alpha 57 consisted of Dweeble, Mush, Henumhein, Chuckowitz, Mertlebay, Shumpwinder, Scoot, Pumpwhistle, Pendlebee, Zorb, Feratu, and McEdifice.

"I HAVE NEVER SEEN, a more mangy, misbegotten, NO GOOD, bunch of FLEA INFESTED, scum-bag eating EXCUSES for recruits in all MY DAYS at Bootcamp 67!" Drill Sergeant Ernie (Earnest to his friends of which he had none) was professionally loud, cantankerous and had master degrees in bullying, verbal abuse, and counterproductive unfairness.

McEdifice narrowed his eyes. Sure, he understood the basic principle of psychologically breaking the recruits down so as to rebuild their personalities as a hardened unit of warriors but McEdifice couldn't ignore his instincts and his instincts told him that the camp had been infiltrated by SPACE VAMPIRES. He didn't know who the infiltrator was but he knew that he didn't like Drill Sergeant Ernie.

"Trainee Unit Alpha 57, you have ONE HOUR to sweep this drill yard cleaner than a nun's browsing history! DISMISSED!" Shouted Ernie to the quivering recruits (obviously, McEdifice wasn't quivering but the recruits, in general, where – you get the idea).

"Hey, McEdifice, " another recruit called over to him as they grabbed their brooms. It was Recruit Feratu or "Noz" as he liked to be known. A stringy looking bald guy with a sickly pallor. McEdifice was concerned for Noz's health and was unsure whether the poor guy would make it through basic training.

"How you holding up Noz?" asked McEdifice.

"I'm OK. It's just being out in the sun, it's not so good for my skin. I just wanted to thank you for the large floppy hat and the factor 100 suncream." said Noz with a timid smile.

"Not a problem Noz. Remember we are a TEAM and a team works together and looks after each other." counselled McEdifice.

"Thanks, I'll remember. Hey, could you tell me again about the super-secret anti-space-vampire weapons you were talking about last night?" inquired Noz.

"Sure, basically it is a nanotech shotgun shell that contains nanoscopic machines which emit tiny UV laser beams and garlic essence simultaneously. This allows them to burrow into the skin of the space vampire or even attack its essence when in bat, rat or spooky cloud form, " explained McEdifice.

"Gosh, " said Noz, "that's remarkable. Those space vampires won't know what hit them!"

"Exactly! It is a good job it is super secret so don't tell anybody who isn't in the armed forces, understood? Also, I think you should visit the camp dentist, your teeth are looking quite ragged and discoloured." said McEdifice comradely.

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