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   Chapter 1 No.1

McEdifice Returns By CamestrosFelapton Characters: 11198

Updated: 2017-12-27 12:02

Standing proudly before his lonesome homestead on the far prairie plains of the Grassland Planet of Steppe, Chiseled McEdifice was chopping wood. He was standing when he was chopping the wood obviously – I don't think those two things contradict each other and I wish the beta reviewer would JUST GET OUT OF MY FACE and learn their place. Me: the author, in charge, creative genius. Them: the lowly moron who should be grateful that they get this kind of opportunity to learn from the best quite frankly. Can you chop wood sitting down? No, so what are you going on about? He is STANDING and chopping the wood and those two images do not "clash".

Here, in this dusty retreat, McEdifice was seeking the peace his life had never given him.

"I'm just looking for peace, " he said wistfully as he stared out over the grassy plains before him.


Just then a gunshot rang out and a bullet ricocheted off his space marine helmet (he was wearing his space marine helmet obviously – look at the cover image). The HUD display flickered on in his helmet (no that isn't 'redundant' I can't just say 'his HUD flickered on' as that sounds perverted to me). Targeting identified a heat source 501.67 metres away to the north east.

"Enhance, " McEdifice vocalised and in some sort of cool special effect way the helmet magnified that area of his vision (with maybe a hi-tech noise like boop-ooohwushboop). It was one of the Treerat gang!

The Treerat Gang: a bunch of outlaws and pagan worshippers of the ancient demonic squirrel god. They had a lasting hate for McEdifice ever since he drove them and their filthy ways out of town and killed their leader in a shoot-out.

With one deft movement, McEdifice hoisted his wood chopper into one hand and then with a mighty flick of his elbow he sent the axe careening through the air. THUNK! it landed straight in the miscreants head who then let out an ungodly scream: "aieeeee!" and then died.

"I guess that trespasser should have axed for permission before stepping on my land." quipped McEdifice sardonically.

Just then, McEdifice realised that the back paddock was unguarded! He ran as fast as he could but he was too late! Another outlaw had sneaked round and now was pointing a gun at McEdifice's only friend: a lovely pony called Chuck.

"Don't move McEdifice or the pony gets it!" said the outlaw.

"Don't you harm a hair on that pony's head!" said McEdifice.

"Shoot him McEdifice!" said the pony – this is in space right so it can be a talking pony I think. Probably a mutant pony or something.

"Stay calm Chuck, " said McEdifice.

"I'm just going to mosey on out of here with this here pony, " said the outlaw in that kind of accent that outlaws have in cowboy movies.

McEdifice checked his pocket and in his pocket, he found a pencil. With one deft movement he hoisted the pencil into his hand and then with one mighty flick of his elbow he launched the pencil onto a ballistic trajectory (yes I do know what that means and on this planet the gravity means it is like a straight line because that is cool) which flew straight into the outlaw's head.

"aieeeee!" said the outlaw and then he died.

McEdifice ran over to Chuck.

"Thank God you are OK old buddy!" said McEdifice to Chuck. I guess it was obvious he was saying it to Chuck (the pony) and not the outlaw because the outlaw was not his buddy and was also very dead by now. I guess he could have said it sarcastically to the dead outlaw – that would be kind of cool if he said it in a drawl. Anyway, he didn't do a quip at this point because I couldn't think of one.

"I'm not OK dear friend, " said Chuck, "in the stress of the moment I caught a terminally pony-sickness and I'm now dying. Goodbye old friend, we had good times together." and then Chuck died. Oh gosh, this is so sad.

"Noooooooo!!!!!!" said McEdifice and at that moment he swore revenge! He knew his quiet life of peace on the plains was over. He'd tried to escape the horrors of space-war but war was what he knew and it would always keep pulling him back!

Oh! I thought of a quip he could have said when he killed the second outlaw! "I guess I was quick on the draw" because he used a pencil you see. That's what he said when he killed the outlaw – sardonically. So just imagine now I told you that earlier, OK?

Sorry about Chuck the Pony dying. Don't be upset beta reviewer – it's for motivation. OK, ok. Later after McEdifice goes off to get revenge, it turns out that Chuck wasn't quite dead, he was just very, very tired from the space-mutant-pony disease and needed a long nap. He then got better but McEdifice had already left. So in the next chapter Chuck isn't actually dead but just asleep but McEdifice thinks Chuck is dead. OK? Good.


REVENGE! There was but one thought on McEdifice's mind: REVENGE! The outlaws of the evil Treerat Gang (a bunch of outlaws and pagan worshippers of the ancient demonic squirrel god) had killed (not really but that's what he thinks right now) the only friend he had on the Grassland Planet of Steppes. They had a lasting hate for McEdifice ever since he drove them and their filthy ways out of town and killed their leader in a shoot-out. Yes, I KNOW I used that sentence already – it is called helping the reader out. What if they had accidentally skipped over that sentence – maybe they were briefly interrupted by an insensitive fellow householder demanding to know what all that mess was on the floor? Where was I? Ah, yes! REVENGE!

With his pony Chuck now dead (not actually but that's what he think

s), McEdifice had no recourse but to use an old bicycle that was sitting in the barn. As he stood by the barn gates, McEdifice paused for a moment to remember all the good times he and Chuck had had in the barn. He would never forget Chuck and how he had both been a good friend and a useful form of transport on the rugged but on average quite-flat world of Steppe.

McEdifice strapped on a bandolier of knives and guns and ammo and probably grenades and then hopped on the bike and set off on his way to Outlaw's Gulch – the hiding place of the infamous Treerat Gang!

It was a charming day for a bicycle ride. The sun was out and a cool breeze rippled across the plains, causing the tops of the tall grasses to shimmer as if the ground was glad in yellow-green velvet. Excellent sentence all round I think. High fives for that one. McEdifice whistled a jaunty song as he cycled along the stony path.

Eventually, he reached a slight incline as the ground made its way towards Outlaw's Gulch. As his speed increased McEdifice attempted to apply the brakes but to no avail! The brakes were not working somehow! Oh, my gosh. The path to Outlaw's Gulch was becoming steeper and the bike was bumping along the rocky road in a way that was quite uncomfortable!

"Oh dear!" said McEdifice as he once again made a futile attempt to apply the brakes! Just then the front wheel hit a particularly large pebble! The bike crashed and McEdifice was thrown clear!

KABOOM! The bicycle exploded in a fiery explosion as a consequence of it hitting a rock. McEdifice rushed over and beat back the flames and then with one mighty flick of his shoulders he hoisted up the flaming bike and threw it into a near by pond which I should have probably mentioned earlier.

With a heavy heart, McEdifice examined the now parboiled bicycle. The brake lines had been cut! One of the outlaws must have sabotaged the bike before they shot at him, maybe like five minutes before hand. I guess they did it quietly.

He stared at the now ruined bike and then picked it up and cradled it in his arms. This bicycle had been his one true companion on the Grassland Planet of Steppe – a trusty steed in times of need, a faithful servant and a mechanical marvel that could deftly make use of normal human effort to provide a more efficient use of the energy produced when travelling along relatively flat surfaces. But now that bicycle was dead. Another victim of the evil Treerat Gang.

McEdifice looked up to the sky and howled "Noooooooo!!!!! Why must it always be the good ones who are taken?" He then laid the broken remains of the bicycle softly on the cool grass – saluted it and set off on his mission with a renewed purpose.

Before it had simply been about revenge, now it was PERSONAL.

McEdifice softly caressed McEdifices swan-like neck. "Oh darling, " he whispered into his ear, "this night is so magical. I feel we could fly forever upon this magical wingéd horse."

"This has been the most beautiful night of my life…hold on…wouldn't a flying horse need both musculatures to sustain flight and to support more standard equestrian activities?" said McEdifice.

McEdifice held on tighter to the manly chest of his beloved McEdifice. "Good point, " he said, "Also a flying animal necessarily has a lighter skeleton structure making a flying horse unsuitable to act as an animal that could bear the weight of two very manly men."

"Also, now that you come to mention it…isn't there only one of us?"

"Hmm that does seem fishy but maybe this is all the effect of the magical kingdom far below us?"

"No way McEdifice! I can believe in faster than light travel, mutant talking ponies, psionics, time travel, non-mammalian alien species that nonetheless look like sexy women, laser-swords, space wormholes and space vampires and star-whales BUT I draw the line at such absurd notions as 'magic'."

"Hmmm, then I must draw the conclusion that I…"

"am hallucin…"

"…ating and must"

"wake myself up."

"Brace yourself McEdifice – this is going to hurt!"


"Are we awake yet?"

"No, you'd better hit me again."

McEdifice awoke with a start. He was lying next to the burnt remains of the bicycle. Cautiously he sniffed his hands. There was the soft sweet smell of decaying blueberries.

Hallucinox 17! The slow acting psychotropic drug that could be easily absorbed through the skin!

McEdifice inspected the handlebars of the bicycle. Despite the charred smell, the scent of hallucinox 17 was still detectable! Those despicable Treerats had not only tried to sabotage his bike but also his MIND!

"Nooooooo!!!!!!" cried McEdifice.

He swore on the lingering memory of the star speckled Pegasus that he would seek revenge on those who had attacked his basic sense of reality. Before it had only been personal now it was PHARMACEUTICAL.

Chapters are a cultural convention that we need not adhere to

McEdifice Returns by Timothy the Talking Cat and Straw Puppy ?Timothy the Talking Cat and Straw Puppy. McEdifice? Timothy the Talking Cat and Straw Puppy. All rights reserved. Patent pending. Also, we put this whole chapter in an envelope and mailed it to the Pope but we deliberately used the wrong address so it came back to us which means our copyright claim is recognised by the Vatican and the Post Office.

McEdifice was still recovering from having punched himself out of a hallucination, staggered onward to Outlaw's Gulch, the infamous hideout of the Treerat Gang against who he had sworn revenge for what was now a multitude of crimes. To wit:

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